Saturday, January 31, 2009
For Marriage to Work – It Only Takes a Forgiving Heart and a Responsible Partner
Married partners in search of true happiness should steer clear of the idea that marriage is a bed of roses. The truth is; rose has its thorns.
I read a survey report conducted to 72 married couples in which the spouses were an average of 33 years old and had been married for about seven years. Most of the participants (66 percent) were Caucasian, followed by Asian (22 percent), Hispanic (5 percent) and African American (4 percent). The final 3 percent represented “other” nationalities. The participants were asked about marriage relationship, its conflict and common woes. While, money and housework were popular picks, surprisingly, sex and infidelity didn’t come up much as marital issue.
But why is it that extra-marital relation is one of the common causes of a dysfunctional marriage relationship that oftentimes leads to break-up?
Cheating isn’t nice and unfortunately, it isn’t terribly uncommon. It is also the last thing that a wife or a husband wants to believe. Many believed that an ideal love relationship is a union of two equally faithful partners, and that no one must come in between them. It may be right in principle but far from reality.
“Infidelity is a marriage killer,” said one couple-friend of mine. There are so many articles written about marriage infidelity that offer tips, hints or sign on how to detect unfaithful spouse but unfortunately, none seems closer to offer “appropriate” ways of dealing with it. Most advices however focus on a “quick way out” and solution oftentimes veered towards practicality and preservation of one’s self-esteem. Perhaps, the idea of dispensing quick and easy solution appears more practical than the nifty but gritty ways of correcting it.
Quick-fix solution oftentimes ends up “going out-moving to” a new relationship. This quick-fix solution however overlooks the fact of morality and relationship’s sustainability. The truth is; there’s no guarantee that a newly found relationship will not lead you to the same relationship woes that you escaped from. Familiarity breeds contempt and this will not spare even your “brand-new” relationship. No relationship is worth saving unless both partners are ready to do their respective shares in repairing their damaged relationship.
People tend to cheat no matter what their home life is like. Your spouse likewise is not an exception. It is however one’s emotional maturity gained from the pain of having unfaithful partner and the painstaking effort of dispensing forgiveness, or the lack of both, that will pave the way for correcting one’s marital woes or simply to resign from it. And it is forgiveness that will make an unfaithful spouse to work hard on his maturity to commit himself to a pure love relationship until he gain the capacity to share his role in making the relationship work.
Marriage is not immune from trials and difficulties. In fact, these are what make a relationship even stronger. Keeping a record of your spouse’s dark past either will not make a relationship stronger. Openness however serves as an avenue for the unfaithful to understand how painful it is for you every time he cheated on you. Communicate and share with him your pain but never ask him the ever unanswerable question; “Why?” for he can’t give you any clear answer for that. Nagging, likewise will not give positive result for you might just drive him into committing more deceitful things.
Non verbal communication of pain oftentimes, is a powerful and effective way of making your man realized his mistakes. While it is true that you can’t get from a man what you didn’t asked. However, your man understands pain more when it’s spoken through his heart and not to his ears. Getting his heart to share with you the pain oftentimes prepares him to soften that completely leads him to openness and commitment, and this can happen without you asking him. His commitment normally comes after your forgiveness. His sincerest apology must be welcomed with a genuine forgiveness and both must agree to work towards the decision to sustain the relationship. This will pave the way for your man to compensate the forgiveness he had received with utmost responsibility and respect for he wants to re-build the trust he had lost.
Acceptance of mistakes and one's readiness to forgive are virtues of stronger and matured marriage. After all, marriage is a union of two forgiving partners.