Saturday, March 1, 2008

Finding A Husband

My wife and I have common closed circle of female friends from the company where she works. Among the group, we are the only married and the rest are all single. We used to share jokes but oftentimes when topic shifted to getting married or finding husband, their faces turns in full dismay as if, “hey Gino, can we change the topic?” Well I guess for them, finding a husband should not be the prime concern. So I didn’t discuss this in a mix company and strive not to bring up this “taboo” topic every time we had chit-chat time until my wife told me that Ms._ _ _ (a common woman friend of ours) asked my wife to give her picture to me hoping that I could find her a husband from my male circle of friends. I just laugh at the insinuation until I learned that although they didn't discuss it in mixed company, but one of our friends admitted that they talked about it a lot in the safety of their office pantry. It turns out that it was probably the subject they talked about most. Sitting in the hallway, eating junk food in their office uniforms, this friend of ours admitted her deepest longing, even more than career success, was to get married. Then she'd bemoan how most of her male classmates and friends were either not marriage material or already taken. I am apt for the latter.
I'd often wonder if getting the master’s degree, staying focus to one’s career and eventually remains single at their late 30’s is the price that we all have to pay. I don’t’ want to sound like a chauvinist but women succumb more than men to the pressure of realizing that they are still a single (of course the exception goes to the women staying single by choice) in the late 30’s.For all we knew, she may be prepared to give it all up — the career, the big salary, the trappings of success — should the right man come along. But the men of their lives didn't know she felt that way. What if, she worried, and finally met someone and he interpreted her ambition the wrong way?
Most men don’t have the ability to decode women’s Morse code. When a woman says NO-we understood it to be NO, period. That’s why when a woman on her date says to her boyfriend that she don’t mind at all if her beau couldn’t remember important dates and anniversaries, we will think it as, “OK, she’s cool”. That’s how dumb a man can be. But on the other hand, women have to be honest with themselves — and your male friends. Hearing it from men side sometimes make sense: "Initiate conversations about marriage among your friends — not as it relates to you and the guy you're interested in specifically, but generally, the same way you'd have a group discussion about politics or religion." While most women didn't shy away from other tough subjects when you are all together; why not bring up something even more important?
This piece of encouragement really came down to one word: intentionality. Many career women are known for high-achievement in every area but the one you say you value the most: relationships. Sadly, some women, by and large, desire marriage, but don’t know how to get there or believe there's no rush to make it happen.
When it comes to committed relationships, some women tend to be drifters. I know this because I saw this to some of our common female friends. I hear some story on how our female friend spent nearly a year as Mr. Friend’s buddy. It took her a long time to finally ask for something more.
It turns out there are things you can do to move a relationship forward. But you have to know what not to do first.
A few bad habits can sabotage a relationship; yet single women seem to miss this. Some hang out with a "buddy," content with mere friendship, never daring to require him to state his intentions. Others have pre-marital sex and don't understand why their "partner" has no momentum toward marriage. Most spend all their time with the same group, even after they've decided that no one in that group is a possible marriage partner.
These habits are pretty good for preventing weekend loneliness. But the very things singles do to avoid being alone on Saturday night may keep them alone for the rest of their lives.
If you want a mate who respects you, you've got to respect yourself. That means setting high standards for your relationships. Are you the gal guys come to for advice about other women? Do you spend all of your time with a guy who's not your boyfriend? Are you an open book with a man who hasn't asked for a commitment? If you've answered yes to any of these, you may need better boundaries to protect your time and your heart. This will help you resist the temptation to spend your prime years and best self on counterfeits.
On the flip side, approaching the opposite sex in a principled way can only enhance your relationships. Develop high character: treat men with kindness; be honest; don't lie, gossip or manipulate; be trustworthy. Any guy worth marrying will notice.
Changing your way of relating to men may seem unnatural at first — and for some, not worth the effort. But if your goal is marriage, it makes sense to do what's in your power to achieve it. Don't misunderstand: you can't force it. There's no formula for making two people fall in love and commit their lives to one another. Besides, for singles who've committed their life to Christ, the timing is ultimately up to Him. But you still have a part to play. And if you're doing things that lead you away from the altar, why not purposefully change direction?

By: Gino Marcelo ( Batch '85)

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